I'll admit it now, I am desperately avoiding my UC personal statement. I'm so used to writitng research papers that I forgot how to write like a normal human being. I could explain the religious implications in Beowulf in 15 pages easy, but I can't even explain what makes me "interesting". I've never had so much trouble finding my own voice; usually people can't get me to shut up. I'm interesting...right, guys? Well, of course you think I'm interesting. You're reading my blog, silly. Either that or you are procrastinating too and my blog is the perfect time-killer. That's fair.
Well, my sister suggested I look through my previous blog posts to try and find my voice. I also decided to take a look at some English assignments from the past. I stumbled upon something I wrote for my Fine Arts class. I wrote it the day that I switched my major from Cognitive Science (wtf) to English. I had 738475980347 emotions that day and really couldn't sort through my decision. This was either the best decision I've ever made or a sign that I'd better get in the welfare line now to beat the crowds. Either way, that morning I went to my teacher and said, "Hey, I don't have my homework with me today. I'm kind of having a bad day." He simply said, "Well, just write about how you feel." I think the original assignment was about the media or something but instead my teacher, let me vent. Here's what I pooped out:
***November 2008
“Write about how you feel.”
At this time during my senior year of high school, I had my life figured out. I was going to get into a “good” college, make millions of dollars and, above all, I was going to be somebody. Three months and nine college rejection letters later, I was beyond panic, shock, or fear. I was inanimate. My life had come to a standstill because there was a flaw in my plan, totally knocking my naïve, adolescent hope. I wasn’t living the life I had expected. But little did I know, getting rejected from all of my colleges would be one of the best things to ever happen to me. It is because my inadequacies, shortcomings, etcetera, that I was able to discover my most remarkable characteristics. It was a fortunate stroke of serendipity.
As a freshman in high school, I had a homework assignment asking to write a letter to my future, 18-year-old self, describing what I should be by that point in time. We sealed the envelopes and they were returned four years later in the final days of our senior year. As I read it, I was overcome by a million emotions, none of which were satisfaction. My ridiculous, 14 year old self expected me to be a straight-A student on my way to Harvard University. I was supposed to be 5’10” and on a full scholarship for track. Basically I was supposed to be a giant, muscular genius. As I stare in the mirror, all I can say is “not quite.” I cried as I read that letter because it just pointed out every failure I’ve had in thus far. I had a 3.2 GPA and the end of my track career was a result of a bad long jump landing and two fractured vertebrae in my lower back. And I was still 5’6”. In short, I felt like a failure because I didn’t have any awards or numbers to exemplify my success. All I could think that day was that it was too late for me to be happy, too late to be successful.
It’s interesting what two years time can do to one’s life. I can confidently say that Foothill has been very kind to me in ways that I have never dreamed. I’ve reinforced my passion for writing and teaching, learned that sometimes school is just a game that anyone can win, and have seen so much of the world even if my college is just two miles from my high school. I studied abroad last spring in Florence, Italy and there are no words to describe the experience. Between the 4-hour train rides and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol, most of the highlights are better described by pictures than my memory alone. All I can really say is that on that trip, I smiled for the first time, truly, sincerely, inside and out. And since then, I’ve realized that happiness and success is undefined. My high school senior quote turned out to be “If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.” I just found it in a fortune cookie and it sounded pretty deep, but the last two years created new meaning. I’ve come to realize the real secret behind happiness is relativity. When one realizes that happiness has no standards of absolute and universal application, one may finally be free of the common pressures in life. There are no “good” colleges or “right” jobs. There are no right or wrong ways to live life, only the mistake of being counterproductive to your own personal goals.
Ultimately, in my opinion, people expend all their effort thinking about how much time they’re losing instead of all they could be accomplishing. In most cases, people tend to do all possible to extend life rather than capitalize on the time one is given. People say life is short even though it is the longest thing we ever do. Life has become so much more about length rather than quality. We should live life not to extend it but to make each moment special, for the end is imminent. People do all possible to escape death when, in reality, it is death that which makes life so romantic. It is because of death that we take note of the fresh air around us. It is death that forces us to taste our food and hug our loved ones. Above all, death is why we live life. But it is our fear of death that makes us live too carefully in a protective bubble of dull, boring safety. Just like death, fear of failure holds us back from growing to our full potential. And just as the concept of death is what makes roses smell so sweet, the agony is failure is what makes every success worth the risk. I’ve seen life changing opportunities pass me by because I was too afraid to lose or fail or look stupid. In the end, my only failure was in never trying. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
All of my high school friends went on to four-year universities including, NYU, Harvard, UC Davis, and Notre Dame. They come home during their winter and spring breaks and ask me how things are at home. I say “good” but it is the most sincere “good” I can offer. My life, on paper, doesn’t look as “successful” as theirs but I am almost positive it feels 100 times better. I have been given time to see the world I am diving into. In taking a step back, I’m given a head start. I have had more life experience while living in my own house than most of my friends living on their own. By exploring the world I have been able to better assess my role and purpose in it. Most of all, I’ve discovered myself. I am a 5’6”, community college student with an infinite amount of possibilities ahead of me. My success is unique, almost unexplainable. For the future, I have learned to hope instead of expect the best. So until the future gets here, I’ll just taste my food, smell the roses, and most of all, smile. ***
I thought it was interesting. I'm still looking for my voice though. Let me know if I accidentally left it at your house. I'll come pick it up later.
