Devastating earthquakes.
Flocks of birds dropping from the sky.
Rebecca Black.
If there is any sign that there is no longer hope for mankind, it's Rebecca Black. I just watched her "Friday" atrocity for the first time, and I have to say, I fear for our planet. I'm sure everything has been said about this video by now (I'm a little late on the uptake. I haven't been keeping up my "fucking horrible music" playlist lately), but some things are worth saying again.
1. What the hell is this video about? I understand that she enjoys the weekend, but I don't feel like she deserves a break. We saw your schedule for the week, Rebecca. You have a spelling test and maybe a book report, you god damn 4th grader.
2. Her Friday looks like a Wednesday. I'm not saying that you need to get wasted to have a good time, but she does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Let's recap.
-Start off the morning by staring into the camera and singing about cereal for 15 seconds.
-Wait by the bus stop but instead hop in a car full of people who probably shouldn't be driving because A) They are most likely 12 years old, or B) They may or may not be brain dead.
...Take the bus, kids. I hear parking is a bitch during recess.
-It's now Friday night and Ms. Black decides to sit next to THE MOST AWKWARD LITTLE GIRL I HAVE EVER SEEN. When she says something like "my friend to my right," please look at who she is willingly bringing attention to. This girl looks like she is going to cry/hurl/faint/shit her pants. You don't have any other less camera shy friends? No? Didn't think so, Rebecca.
-Go to a total rager at so and so's house. Now, when I was younger, we went to all girl sleep overs and hung out at the mall. Why, at that age, would you go to a house party? Oh, sweet. You're surrounded by all your classmates. But you're in a house. At night. Sober. It's like going to school but...less fun.
-Stand up in front of everyone and explain the order of the days of the week. What? People are jumping up and down, and they look like they're enjoying themselves? Ah, you know what? I was wrong.
They're not sober. All these kids are on ecstasy. It's the only way to keep everyone from eviscerating themselves.
3. I would rather go through labor 600 times BACKWARDS than listen to Rebecca Black talk about the days of the week. The only people who would willingly listen to this song are people who literally do not know the days of the week.
So, as I'm sure we all thought at one point or another, I wanted to know just who gave her the opportunity to lay this heaping pile of cow dung on our society.
It was a man named Patrice Wilson. I watched an interview in which this man tries to explain why he began Ark Music Factory, the purpose of pop music, and how he doesn't "charge" his clients for the music videos, but just takes their money.
Patrice: Being black and wearing sunglasses at inappropriate times does not make you a rapper or a record producer. Please. Stop.
OF COURSE, I clicked around and saw what other little treasures Ark Music Factory has created for our hearing pleasure. These kids got some real life problems, man. They've seen some things, man. And some stuff. <-- Family Guy? Anyone?
Don't worry, Alana. That bitchy girl will be pregnant and/or addicted to coke in no time.
I can actually see you reading this blog post right now. Didn't you know? Everytime someone opens their computer, their webcam turns on automatically, revealing their super secret sleep salivation.
Hey Sabrina - what the FUCK are you talking about? At least Rebecca Black was reminding us what comes after Thursday. You're talking about how you're gonna look at yourself in the mirror today. Fascinating.
I only gave you three. I hear if you play more than three of them in a row...the internet dies. It just...dies. And maybe a baby seal or two.
If you read this far or watched ANY of these videos, it's safe to say that you're also at that point in your Spring Break where you are so bored that you'll subject yourself to just about any stimulus just to make sure you're still alive.
I somewhat enjoyed my little adventure through today's pop scene, but I have absolutely no interest in seeing how deep the rabbit hole goes. We have sprung into a new era of very, very young artists and I don't see it ending any time soon.
In the meantime, I gotta go look in the mirror and practice the days of the week. Monday, Tuesday, Saturd--FUCK.
